I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize