Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
