He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize