I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
