I think I died a long time ago.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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