Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
