well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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