He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
