i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
