Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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