Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
