4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
