I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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