Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I wear drunk well.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
