woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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