im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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