I'm so fucking centered right now
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
