I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
