Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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