New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
