Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
