I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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