yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
