I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize