Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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