Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i drank out of a bidet.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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