You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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