I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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