Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
