you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
