I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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