batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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