weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
