he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
