i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
