Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
