She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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