he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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