i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
3 2 1 whiskey
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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