just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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