can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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