My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
