dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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