My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Are my feet made of real feet?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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