I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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