I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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