3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
