Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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