He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
