Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We're too hungover to prance.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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