You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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