I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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