dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
