an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
