i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
