I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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