I molested 6 butterflies tonight
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
