I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
