I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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