ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize