I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize