ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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