I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
