We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
