I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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